Well the year has come to an end. It’s been a long one, filled with films of different quality. There were some great movies in 2018, not as many as others, but there are still plenty of stellar choices out there to be seen. This is not that list. This is a list dedicated to the absolute dregs. The worst of the lot. The kind of movies I wouldn’t recommend anyone watch if there were no films left on earth. I only selected ten, but when it comes to “dishonorable” mentions, I would throw out Life of The Party, Peppermint, and The Possession of Hannah Grace.
10. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald
What more could I possibly say about this disaster of a film? The other movies on this list might be dramatically worse than this one, but I couldn’t make a “worst of” without discussing the film that had me just fuming in my seat. The Crimes of Grindelwald is a disaster of screenwriting. One of the single most incomprehensible films I’ve ever seen, the only thing it succeeds at is being unbelievably boring.
9. Slender Man
Oh Slender Man. Poor poor Slender Man. A movie constructed entirely around an internet trend that died six years ago and was lame even when it was “current.” It doesn’t help things when the studio hired absolutely no one of talent to help bring this to life and any moment in the film intended to be frightening is just remarkably stupid.
8. Robin Hood
Talk about a movie too stupid to function, 2018’s Robin Hood is a languished droll of a film that can’t even parse up enough entertainment value to compare to an animated fox. Jamie Foxx gives a disastrous performance as Little John and Taron Egerton’s tryhard machismo only makes the film even lamer than it already was.
7. The Darkest Minds
The last dying breath of the dystopian Young Adult genre didn’t fade quietly, but rather dragged this mess of a film into the grave with it. It’s wrought with cliches and has the gall to actually believe it will get a sequel. At one point in the film a character levitates a twinkie toward another and it is intended as a romantic gesture. All I would say to anyone looking to watch this one is “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here.”
6. Truth Or Dare
We’re really getting into the weeds here folks. Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare is complete and utter garbage, manufactured for the lowest common denominator, essentially made just for some thirteen-year-olds to watch on Netflix at two in the morning. I wouldn’t touch this one with a ten-foot pole if I were you.
5. Sherlock Gnomes
Just kill me, please.
4. The Happytime Murders
Everything about Happytime Murders is putrid. A movie intended to be as offensive as possible, predicated around the entire premise of “what if muppets were RAUNCHY?” Honestly, grow up. If the idea of a felt bear doing a line of coke with a prostitute on his lap sounds funny to you, then I would suggest you reevaluate your life. Even the muppetry is bad. Seriously. Just don’t.
3. The 15:17 To Paris
When Clint Eastwood hired a bunch of non-actors to relive a crisis they themselves prevented, it didn’t seem like a good idea. But at the very least, there may have been some kind of intrigue on a metatextual level, right? But in reality, the film has the narrative propulsion of a slug injected with tryptophan. It looks and feels like an hour and a half long vacation video your aunt forces you to sit through and is even less entertaining than that.
2. Life Itself
When I watched Life Itself, I was convinced it would be the worst thing I’d see all year. A true offense to cinema itself, Dan Fogleman’s “Life Itself” is a galactically pretentious, hopelessly obnoxious, emotionally manipulative pile of self-important effluvia. With each passing scene its criminal screenplay begins to eat itself, devolving into worse and worse nonsense until when it’s all said and done, the movie is literally insufferable. That being said, it’s still not the worst movie of the year.
1. The Kissing Booth
Life Itself is a horrible movie, but at least it is a movie. The Kissing Booth is an abomination. An affront to art itself, The Kissing Booth has absolutely no redeeming qualities. It is horribly acted, horribly written, horribly directed, horribly horrible. The film is literally based off a Wattpad story and it shines all the way through. Joey King outdoes her Slender Man performance, delivering such dribbling garbage that is ONLY rivaled by the lumps of clay who play her male counterparts. The Kissing Booth is gross, agitating, and more than anything else a waste of time and human currency. If the CEO of Netflix used the money it cost to make this movie to build himself a twelve-foot-tall statue of Young Sheldon, it would have been a better use of finance. Do not, under any circumstances, waste your time.
Alright. This has been my worst of 2018 list. The Best of should be coming shortly. Did you disagree with any of my points? Let me know. Here’s too a whole other year of mediocrity in 2019!